Call of Doody

New Blog

2011-07-01T19:41:00.004+09:00

I mean that 100%.

Go here:

http://callofdoody13.tumblr.com/

I have an iPhone and a tumblr app. I never found a blogger app. Plus, tumblr seems to reflect the fact that the internet has advanced in the past five years. This last post on blogger is the same as the one I did the first time. That's not bad, but there are features on tumblr that I didn't know you could do with a blog, and I'd like to take advantage of them.

Idea for a Meme

2011-06-29T22:19:00.002+09:00

This isn't my idea, I'm just following up something that was written in this pretty good breakdown of the half season finale. (I don't care that it was built up as "Matt Smith getting angry" or that Tennant was even angrier on a weekly basis; from what I saw on the screen, it was an excellent episode)

The meme concerns a particular scene with perhaps the most ridiculous line of dialogue you'll ever see on TV, which is saying something considering Doctor Who has many ridiculous lines of dialogue per episode. (Proof? Crazy explanations for why stuff is happening. I'm waiting for the episode where the flux capacitor is broken. I think it's coming.)

The scene is available here, specifically the following line of dialogue:

My friend, you have never risen higher.

Down near the bottom of the above linked breakdown, the writer presents this idea:

And now I wish I could hire Madam Vastra to follow me around saying things like, "My friend, your hair has never looked more awesome." Or, "My friend, your dancing is really quite coordinated and not at all embarrassing."

So the meme idea is that Madam Vastra provides overly effusive praise for situations that (while good) are not quite great. Here's more ideas:

My friend, the Gods will be jealous of your beauty.
My friend, she will regret snubbing you until the last star burns out of the sky.
My friend, Iron Chefs must take lessons from you.
My friend, your song will unite the world.
My friend, it will be hanging in the Louvre within a week.
My friend, this will be printed more times than the Bible.
My friend, all of human existence will change with that idea.

Doctor Who Loves You

2011-06-28T20:14:00.005+09:00

Sorry this is late, but I had to wait for my dad to finish watching the rest of the first half of this year's Doctor Who season to post this.

First, some quick hits:

Those two episodes that preceded the finale sucked. The story was overlong and boring and could--SHOULD have been done in a single episode. Why did we need 2 for that? And what was the point of those episodes? Yeah, the flesh is just about real so we should all treat them better... but then, why does the Doctor make the Tardis turn them into real humans? What was that about? Did the Tardis not notice the little speeches everyone gave where they all promised to treat each other more humanely? Crap. And how about the big ball of flesh they find, which makes them... do nothing. Superfluous. Plus the one woman turned into a spider monster because... no idea.

However, the ending was good. That got me, though, as I saw pointed out someplace else, Amy wearing the same clothes for the whole season should have been a tip off that something wasn't right.

While those two episodes were absolutely terrible, I enjoyed the hell out of the finale. Seeing this Doctor finally get angry was a treat, the dirty dozen he recruited were hilarious, and we finally got the answer to the worst attempt by a space ship to send a warning to the passengers who walk inside it. "There is no pond in the forest." How the HELL was anyone supposed to take that and get "River is Amy and Rory's baby"? The Tardis might as well as told them who won the 2014 World Cup for all the good that line did.

Anyway, this post actually started out about something else but degenerated into my thoughts, so I'll have to postpone my suggestion for a Doctor Who related meme until later in the week.

The Future!

2011-06-23T21:55:00.003+09:00

Two things about the future:

1) Blogger just isn't cutting it for me anymore. Any suggestions? My friend uses Tumblr. Does anyone have thoughts on that? Also, if I move the blog, can I bring along my old posts? I'd hate to leave them here on blogger, all lonely and scared.

2) The future of pop groups. This band (this is the longest wikipedia entry I've ever seen written in Japanese. It might actually be longer than the WW2 entry) has 48 members, and that's just in it's A, K, and B teams. There's also Team 4, with 10 members. Then there's the JV team with 19 members. Then there's the loosely affiliated SDN48 group, which is more for adults. That's a lot of young girls. Enough that it makes you wonder why they felt the need to CGI another.

AKB48 sign Ponytail and Shirts, which I've sung in karaoke.

The saddest part about the CGI idol they've created is that they took the nose of the girl with the nose I most want to punch in the face. Everytime I see this girl (and I've been seeing her WAY too much lately), I feel the urge to punch her in the face. Why did they have to choose her nose?

Finally, I just hope that this CGI idol doesn't do what Rei from Idoru did and pop out of the microwave at every 7-11 around the world. That would be scary.

(P.S. Remember when William Gibson wrote stuff you actually wanted to read? Those were the gold old days.)

Live Painting

2011-06-21T20:28:00.004+09:00

A couple weeks ago I went to an event where there were only like four Japanese people, and thirty white people. I couldn't remember the last time before then that I'd been in a bar with that many white people. These days, it's just me and a bunch of Japanese or Koreans.

Anyway, it was part art exhibit, part live music, part live painting, part dance party. I thought the dance party portion of the evening felt a little tacked on, as if one of the artist's friends had begged him to be put on the schedule. The dance floor was the size of a large bathroom. There was not much dancing.

The live music wasn't a big hit, either. It was a Korean girl and her friend, an old Korean guy. I don't think the old man knew Japanese. Or why he was there. Or where he was. I bet at the end of the night, he decided it was time to go back to Korea. Anyway, the girl banged on a drum cinched on a cord around her shoulder while occasionally hopping on one foot and kicking out her other. I think she was dancing to the house music played later because it didn't match whatever it was she was playing. The old man backed her up for the first two (three? five?) songs, then the girl wanted to take a break so she put the old man up as lead singer. He was terrible. He sounded like a tree moaning. I instantly joined the mass of people escaping.

The live painting looked like this:

So. Yeah. Not a fun night.

Movie Review

2011-06-16T20:32:00.003+09:00

Last night I watched Domino, a movie directed by Ridley Scott's brother (and Top Gun director) Tony. It starred Keira Knightley as Domino and Mickey Rourke as Mikey Rourke. The writer was Richard Kelly of Donnie Darko fame, but more recently he made a movie called The Box that you didn't see.

Those were the principal players, and here's my review:

Domino gets a gold star.

You know how when you're in first grade and you draw something that's supposed to be a zebra but, if it were actually to scale, it would be fifty feet tall and have nine legs? Everyone does that, then shows their picture to the teacher who gives it... a GOLD STAR!!!! It doesn't really deserve a gold star, does it? Probably not, but you tried so gosh-darn hard on it, you're really getting the gold star for effort.

That's the same gold star Domino gets.

It just tries so hard, I couldn't bring myself to hate it. Of course, the plot made little sense and I don't see why Domino had sex with Choco and what was with the Afghan guy? But yet, were I to hate this movie, I'd be no better than a teacher who refuses to hand out gold stars because that zebra has no tail.

Random explosions, nudity, a guy getting his arm shotgunned off because of a bad cell phone connection, scenes taking place in a strip club JUST BECAUSE, two guys from Beverly Hills 90210--it was like a goodie bag of shwag from all the stores in the mall you never go to except at Xmass time. A soundtrack that never played more than ten seconds of a single song, a camera that never stopped moving, enough cuts to give a person epilepsy, more than one scene presented via security cameras--you could write "Hollywood Summer Movie Tips and Tricks for Dummies" using only examples from this movie and you would still need a second volume.

Here's my big take-away from this movie: there's a scene scored with a Tom Waits song. As I watched, I thought to myself 'Tom Waits is going to appear in this movie'. Two scenes later, there he was--playing Tom Waits! Actually, he played a preacher character, but quickly shed his preacher skin and resumed being Tom Waits. Not only that, I'd say he's more Tom Waits in this movie than he is in Coffee and Cigarettes, a movie in which he was actually playing Tom Waits.

I highly suggest this movie. Not as a movie, just as I would never suggest one of my crudely drawn stick figures as a work of art. Rather, enjoy it for the fact it tries so hard to please you, enough you'll want to give it a gold star, too.

White Men, Rejoice!

2011-06-14T22:29:00.002+09:00

White men all over the world, you are finally going to be catered to--a sports and life website created especially for you! Before, white men could only get sports and life commentary that suited their whiteness from just a few sites, magazines, and television stations: ESPN, SI, ESPN the Magazine, the Sporting News, FX, Spike TV, G4, Maxim, GQ, Esquire, Yahoo Sports, NBC Sports, CBS Sports, Fox Sports, Fox's various sports channels, Comedy Central, local newspapers, large circulation newspapers such as the New York Times and Boston Globe, Fox, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, Fox News, every major movie studio, Marvel Comics, DC Comics, and some others I'm probably forgetting.

Plus, it's brought to you by Subway (on the day I put the link up). I suppose Abercombie and Fitch will be sponsoring the site soon enough.

**
I know those writers have appeared in major magazines and are (most likely) well respected, but did anyone just stop for a second and think, 'Hey, wait! Black people watch sports, too! And latinos! And women! Maybe we can find some voices for the majority of the population that fits in one of those groups.'

Some Perspective

2011-06-13T21:58:00.001+09:00

This is a small beer can.

Look at that tiny guy! Smaller than a roll of TP.

Last Week's Weather

2011-06-06T21:55:00.003+09:00

Rainy Season. It's no Monsoon Season, but it still sucks. Started a bit early, too, but that may have just been a typhoon blowing in.

That was a conversation. I came in from shopping and someone said, "Pat, what are you doing outside? There's a typhoon!"

"Really? Where?"

"Here! Now!"

"Oh. Didn't notice."

It wasn't a very strong typhoon.

2011 Stanley Cup Finals

2011-05-31T22:50:00.002+09:00

Last round, I went 1 and 1 to bring my record to 10 and 4. I lost on the Bolts when Rolly ran out of magic. Now Boston and their four power play goals in the entire playoffs are in the finals, taking on a banged up Canuck team.

Start with injuries: The Brns are okay on the defensive side, but Norton and Bergeron have been banged up. Bergeron missed a couple games, letting Seguin into the lineup. He got six points in two games, then never scored again. The Canucks defense got slammed around in the last two rounds, but apparently they were only the third line guys, and they're nine deep. Plus they get their third line center back. Bit of an edge to the Canucks.

Special Teams go to the Canucks, obviously. The Brns have the fewest power play goals for a team in the finals in forty years. They'd be better off refusing the power play.

Goalies are a toss up. Both can win a series for their team, though I can't recollect when Luongo has actually done so. Both can certainly win a game, as the Flyers know from first hand experience. Guess it comes down to whichever team can keep the front of the crease clear.

Moving to forwards, Mark Recchi is ninety years old and plays on the Brns second line. The Canucks second line center may win the Conn Smythe trophy if they win the Cup. Gotta go with the Canucks here.

And in the series as well. Canucks in 6

Don't Mess This Up

2011-05-26T23:01:00.004+09:00

Dear Jason Segel,

If you fuck this up, I will never forgive you.

The second Star Wars trilogy is at times unwatchable. The new Battlestar Gallactica didn't have guys in silver painted costumers pretending to be robots. The Transformers in the Transformers movies look like the frames of half built planes and the action scenes are incomprehensible. The GI Joe movie had Brendon Fraser in it. Daredevil sucked. I can't remember one good line from The Hitchhikers movie. The Scooby-Doo movie had no jokes but for reasons unclear to me, had Sarah Michelle Geller.

I can forgive the people behind all the above. I'll even defend those movies and TV show, if I'm in the mood and the other person is being unfair.

But The Muppets are on the other side of the line separating characters and stories I see as entertainment to be watched and enjoyed from those few I treasure in my heart. Don't fuck up the green frog and his friends.

Pat

Vegemite, You're Next

2011-05-25T21:54:00.003+09:00

In big news, Denmark has banned Marmite. If you're not familiar with marmite, it's like vegemite's dumb cousin. It's defined as yeast extract. It tastes as bad as you'd expect yeast extract to taste. You put it on toast. I wouldn't suggest it. Or vegemite for that matter.

Speaking of which, here's a link to Men At Work's Land Down Under, a song which features the unforgettable line, "He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich".

Sympathy for the Player

2011-05-24T22:08:00.004+09:00

I started reading a story in the NY Times about a guy for the Colts who has no job now and really needs money. His older brothers were killed when one burned in what was suspected of arson (unsolved) and when the other committed suicide as cops burst through his door. I read the article to the fourth paragraph when I came across this (emphasis mine):

Smith banked little of his earnings. He helped his family, paid rent in Indianapolis and bought some 70 pairs of sneakers

No, you don't get any sympathy from me when you but 70 pairs of sneakers. I think in my life, I've owned less than 70 pairs of sneakers. Hell, I've probably owned less than 70 pairs of shoes, total.

This reminds me of a guy I met here in Japan. His former job was in the finance industry and he was pretty good. He was swimming in money. Then the Leaman shock came and he was out of a job so he made his way over to Japan from London, taking quite a paycut to teach people English. One day, he was complaining because he had too many shoes to fit into his suitcase. Me and my friend asked him how many shoes he brought to Japan and he said that he brought twenty. I said, "Man, I only have three pairs of shoes total, including my work shoes!" He said, "No, I mean I have twenty pairs of sneakers. My work shoes aren't included. I have too many of them, too."

Buying shoes when you already own other shoes ==> Things Pat doesn't understand.

Better Than Being Frozen in Carbonite

2011-05-20T21:19:00.002+09:00

Tauntaun sleeping bag.

With plush lightsaber zipper pull.

Bullhorny

2011-05-19T21:52:00.003+09:00

A few days ago, I post a link to this with the promise that I'd put a story up here which I was reminded of when I saw who was number one. Here's the story:

One day in high school, me and a bunch of others went to my friend's house to play NHLXX. I was playing Joe, who I think was the Flyers while I was some other team. Maybe the Brns. Anyway, in the middle of Joe and my headed NHLXX action, someone whipped out a toy bullhorn which played La-Cu-Ca-Ra-Cha when you pressed a button. They looked like they were having a lot of fun and I wanted to join them, but I was stuck in the middle of my NHLXX game. As they're passing it around, I said, "Hey! Stop playing with that!" Someone asked, "What, is it annoying you?" I said, "No, it looks like fun and if you don't stop playing with it now, when I finish this game you're all gonna be sick of it so I won't be able to play." I was laughed at, then again through the bullhorn--that hurt, man.

So the game continues and everyone else starts running out of funny lines to say through the bullhorn. I can just feel they're getting sick of it. One person announces he already is. This is during the third period of my game. I don't add anything to the conversation because it is some heated NHLXX action going on here and I was losing--that second period I was a bit too focused on the bullhorn and neglected the game. I tried my best, but I ended up losing. I hopped out of the playing seat directly in front of the TV and found an open space, then called for the bullhorn. One of my friends held it. He refused. He said everyone was sick of it already, just as I had predicted.

I said that was fine. Then the waiting game started. About five minutes later, he put the bullhorn down--I dove in and snatched it. Everyone groaned. I turned on the bullhorn, put it to my lips and started making fun of the guy who had beaten me at the NHLXX game. Someone laughed, but most of the crowd wanted me to put it away. When I finished my second insult, the guy nearest me made a grab for the bullhorn. He managed to seize the flared end, but I pulled away--too FAST! The mouthpiece smacked into my teeth so loud everyone could hear it. The rest of the crowd stopped and asked if I was okay. I checked my teeth, then brought the bullhorn to my lips and said, "ASSSSS-HOLE! ASSSSSSSSS-HOLE!!!!! ASSSSSSSS-HOLE!!!!"

To this day, whenever I get a bullhorn in front of me, that's the only thing I say before I get tired of it and put it down.

Can't Get Enough H. Jon

2011-05-18T20:50:00.003+09:00

H. Jon Benjamin: The greatest voice actor of our time? I might have to go with Billy West, and I do love Patrick Warburton's voice work, too. (Fun fact: only on Seinfeld for 10 episodes. Didn't you think he was on there for a lot more?)

Here's a select lineup of H. Jon Benjamin's voice work, with a quote from each:

Ben on Dr. Katz:

The sunken living room -- can that be fixed?

McGuirk on Home Movies:

Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it

Carl on Family Guy:

Carl: Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
Chris: No.
Carl: Yeah, you don't need to see Krull

Bob on Bob's Burgers:

Listen, you're my children and I love you but you're all terrible at what you do here and I feel like I should tell you, I'd fire all of you if I could.

Archer on Archer:

Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Hilarious! Maybe not Archer but I don't know. I only just started watching it.

2011 Playoffs Conference Finals

2011-05-16T21:10:00.003+09:00

In Round 1, I went 7 and 1. In Round 2, I did much worse. Actually, just the Eastern Conference was terrible. I managed to pick the two Western Conference teams correctly, but the Flyers (who suck) and the Caps both decided to hit the beach early. Terrible.

My record now is 9 and 3. I have guaranteed myself a winning record. Woo-hoo! Now, let's see if I can't pick it up for the next round:

EAST:

Boston v Tampa Bay -- I'm cheating on this one because I'm pretty sure I would have picked the Brns on Friday, but blogger was down and I was unable to write this post. But the Bolts are playing really well, they got Rolo playing very well, and they actually a power play, which Boston does not. Even as they were sweeping the Flyers, the Brns couldn't get their power play going. You can only get so far with a deficiency that glaring. You get as far as the Conference Finals. Bolts 6

WEST:

Vancouver v Sharks -- There's no way I'd pick a Joe Thorton led team this deep in the playoffs, so the outage last Friday had no impact on my picks. Plus Vancouver has Luongo while the Sharks have Niemi. And Vancouver has Kesler, who is suddenly a Conn Smyth candidate despite the fact he had like one point in the first round series. He is playing well now, though. He even got a goal last night. He should get enough help from the Sedins and they'll be in the Finals. Canucks 5

Link-O-Rama

2011-05-12T21:21:00.000+09:00

All links today.

Was Obi-Wan Kenobi involved in 9-11? And where is his body? Read the comments, by the way. I think they're funnier than the article.
From Ryan -- this is why I get up and walk around at work every ten minutes (it's got nothing to do with the face I'm bored, I swear).
Dumb Jokes, but many features animals so they're funny.
This also goes with eggs. And this stuff is HOT!
The character listed number 1 reminds me a story I'll put on here one day.
This wasn't that funny, but it makes the good point that people asking questions in an interview have no clue what they're doing.
I liked the Woolen dolls sequence. And I didn't need the Cosmic Cutie. But everything else I can get behind.

Fairy Floss

2011-05-10T22:09:00.003+09:00

While surfing the net lately, I came across a New Yorker review of Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore from 2005. The review was written by John Updike, one of Harold Bloom's Big Four and the author of a book I reviewed here.

Updike's review contained a couple passages and quotes from the text to illustrate his point that Kafka on the Shore is a great work. He includes the following:

“Actually getting closer to a metaphorical truth? Or metaphorically getting closer to an actual truth? Or maybe they supplement each other?”

Yes, this is the way human beings in Murakami novels speak. I know I'm cherry picking, but this is just terrible. This is the setup to a sight-gag in a Dave Chappelle skit. This is the passage a person on acid would read to convince the listener Murakami is deep. This isn't deep. It's fairy floss.

I've read two Murakami novels (this one and Norwegian Wood) and I've not enjoyed either. The first forty pages of Norwegian Wood were filled with transcendent imagery, but eventually the characters opened their mouths and word vomit like that quote above exited. When I finished the second, I shut my door on Murakami. Some authors, I'm just not going to connect with, I accept that. To be honest, when I saw that Updike had written the review of Kafka on the Shore, I was hoping that by understanding his feelings on Murakami, I could better appreciate not only Murakami but Updike as well. When I finished the review, I knew that would not be the case.

An author I don't connect with being reviewed by another author I don't connect with. I think I'm done with both of them.

2:30 AM Thoughts

2011-05-10T02:30:00.004+09:00

If I ever had to introduce a particular famous actor, here's what I would say:

Best known by me for his roles in Joe Versus the Volcano, the first of many successful team-ups with Meg Ryan, The Burbs (with the scene stealing Corey Feldman), and Bachelor Party, a movie which taught us all not to give blow to a donkey... ladies and gentleman, Mr. Tom Hanks.

Yeah, Corey Feldman.

Can't It Open Tomorrow?

2011-04-29T18:47:00.006+09:00

The Harry Potter series is about 4500 pages long when you add up all the books. I've read (and reread in some cases) every single page. Of all that material, though, two scenes always stick with me:

1) Goblet of Fire -- Ron's brothers are getting on Harry and Ron for not asking anyone to the big box social. Ron complains that it's too difficult to ask a girl to the dance--he's a shy guy, little Ron. One of Ron's brother's says it's not, then, to prove it, yells across the room (not a quote) "Oi, wanna go to the box social together?" The girl he asks says yes and resumes her previous conversation, now wearing a large smile. It's an amusing scene, it's got that 'Yeah, those Weasley twins are like that' vibe, and it nails that brotherly relationship between the three. Just absolutely love it.

2) Deathly Hollows -- Mrs. Weasley v Bellatrix fight. I think Hermione (or maybe even Ginny) was fighting Bellatrix and Mrs. Weasley just tosses the kid out of the way and screams at Bellatrix to fight her instead. I imagine if a mother bear could speak the Queen's English and wield a wand, that would be her reaction to someone picking on one of her cubs, too. In the series, Harry has at least four father figures (Dumbledor, Lupin, Sirius, Mr. Weasley--basically, every good male he meets really), but there's only one mother figure throughout all seven books--Mrs. Weasley. That's not just to Harry, that's to EVERYBODY. This is her exhibiting that position at her best.

So, why do I bring this up? Well, the movie version of Goblet of Fire messed up a bunch of shit, but even more than screwed up maze, the failure that disappointed me most was the above scene. The timing of it was off. It was jokey and cute on the page, but on screen it was as if they embarrassed to have to enact it. My hopes were too high, perhaps, but I was disappointed.

The second scene... watch the trailer. 1:28. I saw that and now I can't wait for July.

2011 Playoffs 2nd Round

2011-04-28T21:26:00.002+09:00

The First Round is over, all the scrubs have gone home. Now it's serious. But first, let's see how well I did in the first round:

7 Correct
1 Wrong

I picked the Pens, something I've never done. What happens? They get shut out in Game 7 to Roloson... who I called out in my first round preview. I don't feel bad that this one slip-up prevented me from getting a perfect score. I'm just happy the Pens are done.

Go Flyers. Who suck, by the way.

EAST:

Washington v. Tampa Bay -- Remember how I said the Caps play much more defensively? In the first round, they gave up only 8 goals in 5 games. I know they were playing the Rangers, but that's still impressive. They should be able to handle the Bolts with only slightly more difficulty. On the Offensive side, the Caps have a couple scoring lines--two more than the Pens. Don't see how the Caps lose this series. Caps 5

Flyers v. Brns -- Last year's matchup... yadda yadda yadda. Who's in goal for the Flyers? Who wants to bet Backlund makes an appearance? Is Bob back from the land of No-Self-Confidence? Will they need him, or will Bouche manage to not implode for an entire series? I like the Flyers on paper, but there's no way Pronger is 100%, and they may not start with Carter (though, streaky as he is, would it matter? Either very much so YES, or No way in hell). On the other hand, Mark Recchi is 90 years old and he's one of the Brns top 6. I know he scores goals in the playoffs, but that just doesn't look right. I'm going Flyers 7

WEST:

Vancouver v. Nashville -- I know Luongo has a terrible history against the Hawks, but I don't see how you bench him in Game 6. He's your bread and butter. What would have happened if they won? Would he start game 1 of the next series? Stupid move. Now to the Preds... I know nothing about the Preds. Canucks 7

San Jose v. Detroit -- If San Jose wins a first round series and no one is around to notice, does it count? Yes, but not for much. How's this for a goalie matchup by the way--Howard v. Niemi. I like Howard because I like his name better. For Detroit, Zetterberg and Franzen are banged-up. When in doubt, go with the healthier team. Sharks 6

Doctor Who

2011-04-26T21:01:00.003+09:00

Quote from the newest episode of Doctor Who:

Doctor: They won't shoot.
River Song: They're American!

Not funny, Doctor. Not funny.

Glad the series is back, though. I like new Doctor and Amy. Even Rory. I like seeing River Song sometimes, too. But not that much. Sometimes is good. Every episode? Not necessary.

By the way, the "Silence Will Fall" was a reference to the final episode of the last season where the universe collapsed and there were no more stars or anything. Hence, silence. I thought it strange they didn't point this out in the episode.

Random Thoughts

2011-04-21T22:39:00.004+09:00

Flyers suck. Has a team ever been shut out twice in the first round and gone on to win the Stanley Cup? I'm betting no. Not looking too good for the Flyers.
The Phillies got shut out the other day, plus they gave up nine runs. That pitching staff better be as good as everyone thinks because there's some easy outs in that line up.
Sarah Jane Smith has died! She was just starring in her own spin off a few years ago. I like the old Doctor Who episodes with her in them. She was a fantastic companion.
Speaking of Doctor Who, the new season starts this Saturday. Let's hope they get around to explaining what "Silence Will Fall" from the first episode with the Matt Smith means.
Recently, I learned that the Wachowski Brothers are no more. They are now to be referred to as just "The Wachowskis". Has anyone seen a picture of him/her yet? What does he/she look like now?
I'm a little late to the It's Always Sunny party, but I'm enjoying the hell out of it. I think the Christmas episode has my favorite scene: Frank emerging from the couch sweaty and naked, then walking away. It might be a bit too much Danny Devito ass for some... actually, it's probably a bit too much Danny Devito ass for everyone but Rhea Perlman.
Earthquake. Oh, it stopped.
Green Man at the Canucks game. Classic Green Man.

What's That Smell?

2011-04-20T22:19:00.003+09:00

I lit a marshmallow on fire and ate it.

Weird thing I learned recently: asian people don't roast marshmallows. This was a first for them.
Yes, I bought the ingredients for smores. The box of graham crackers was four bucks. The bag of marshmallows was two. This is what it's like when you try to enjoy a taste of home, you end up spending an arm and a leg to do it. But it was worth it.

2011 Playoff Preview

2011-04-14T20:40:00.003+09:00

It's a day late, but I think last year was, too. Maybe the year before, too. Hey, speaking of past playoff previews, lets see how well I've done:

2010 : 6 correct, 9 misses
2009: 8 correct, 7 misses

Let's hope we set a new record this year.

EAST :

Washington v. New York -- Remember the Flyers last year? Remember how they really sucked for a long stretch of time, fired their coach, then just didn't improve? Then it all came together in the playoffs for 6 weeks. Those last weeks, they kinda forgot about. But anyway, my point is this: one reason they sucked was that they had to change their system in the middle of the season and it took a while for everyone to figure it out. I bring this up for this reason: Washington did the same thing this year. They now play much more defensively--which explains why Ovie only had 30 goals all season. The result is, this is my pick for Stanley Cup Winner, so no way they lose in the first round. Caps 5

Flyers v. Buffalo -- Flyers suck. This makes it 3 straight years I've started the Flyers' capsule with this statement. And I mean it, but maybe not so much as last year. They aren't that bad. Are they good enough to win the cup? With a banged up Pronger maybe not. Can they beat the Sabres? Yes. Flyers 6

Boston v. Montreal -- Tim Thomas is once again the starter for Boston. Not because Rask sucked, but because Thomas deserves votes for MVP. I don't even know who plays offense for them and the only two defensemen I know are Chara and Kaberle. Still, with Thomas in net, they don't lose this series. Brns 7

Pittsburgh v. Tampa Bay -- The Pens don't have Malkin or Crosby (at least not yet). The Lightning are going with Dwayne Roloson in net. You might remember him from his miracle puckstopping for the Oilers the year after the lockout... 5 years ago. I don't think he has it in him again. Pens 7

WEST:

Vancouver v. Chicago -- Last year, Chicago's young goalie refused to sign for cheap and went to San Jose so they brought in Marty Turco to be their savior. That didn't work out, and now the Hawks have another rookie in net playing behind about a quarter of the guys that won the cup last year. Canucks 5

San Jose v. Los Angeles -- Niemi is with San Jose, and apparently started 35 straight games at one point this year. The Kings lost their leading scorer... and all hopes of winning this series. Sharks 4

Detroit v. Phoenix -- Phoenix still has a team, though Winnipeg is already putting their grubby hands on it like a poker player who tries to rake the pot before all the cards are shown. Detroit has experience. Red Wings 6

Anaheim v. Nashville -- Toss up. Strange thing about the Ducks, though, they needed Ray Emery to help them reach the playoffs. He played on his head for about a ten game stretch where the Ducks won 8 or 9. Then he got hurt in the next game. Their current goalie (Ellis) is banged up, too, and the backup (Hiller) has vertigo. I don't know any Predators, but I'm going with them. Preds 7

Let's play some hockey. Or in this case, more hockey. I know. I'm a day late. Sorry.

Hanami

2011-04-13T20:55:00.009+09:00

Here's some pictures from the Hanami I went to last Sunday, which was being held by the owner of Zen Pussy, the bar Adrian and I used to go to when he lived around here. And which I'll have to go to by myself now, I guess.

This guy is Linda. He's multi-talented. Here he is playing a bongo...

Here he is on the xylophone...

And here he is playing guitar. I don't know how good he is. I thought he was just fucking around, but then one girl told me he played pretty much the same way at a gig the night before.

Me: "Why'd you bring the plastic Easter Bunny?" Keiko: "Atmosphere."

More atmosphere. There was disappointment that there wasn't anything "special" about these.

This is about half the spread. I made the brownies in the middle. There was disappointment that there wasn't anything "special" about them.

This is Keiko, the owner of the bar. Me: "What's up with the shirt?" Keiko: "It's so I'd stand out." Me: "You sure do."

This is Bunny, short for Vanilla. (It doesn't sound so weird in Japanese.) Anyway, she played with the bullhorn most of the day/night. I didn't understand a single word she said. It looked like fun, though.

Here's me wearing a kimono while Linda floats around in the background. If you notice, you'll see that the kimono is being held up with string you'd use to bundle newspaper. But who cares? I looked handsome.

Random Pics

2011-04-08T20:56:00.002+09:00

Here's a bunch of random pics that I pulled off my camera.

*Does anyone say Ka-mer-Ah like Jenna from 30 Rock now? I don't say it out loud, but in my head, I can't stop thinking it.

Anyway, enjoy.

This is from my birthday... which was 2 days after the earthquake. I managed to convince a handful of people to come out. This girl was game. I spent practically the entire day with her. Her name is Boram. And yes, we were at the Peppermint Cafe. But no, the cafe wasn't showing old Thai movies. That's the news.

Monkey.

The one on the right is Mina-chan, who gave me the blue bag you can see in this post. The one on the left is Noriko. This was the first time we've spent more than an hour together despite the fact we've lived in the same Guest house for 9 months.

From the Hanami party. Actually, this could be from any day. I was just screwing around with my Ka-mer-Ah.

This is from a cosplay party where only 3 people dressed up... of which I was one. The girl is Ayumi, who went back home last week. I don't know what she was dressed up as. I was a doctor. A Doctor of Love. (*wink*)

I like this picture because it's an unguarded moment of a girl who rarely lets her guard down. It's a bit blurry, but I like it.

New Bike Alert

2011-04-06T22:08:00.002+09:00

Of the list of things guaranteed to put a smile on my face, a good bike is near the top of the list. Today, it just moved up a couple slots. NEW BIKE!!!!

It's red. It's got a light that doesn't rely on my wheel power, so now I don't have to announce to the neighborhood that I'm on my way. No more annoying even myself with the whine of the lamp. It's got a nice basket and a good rack on the back. When you see it you'll be jealous. I can't show you a picture, though. I forgot.

Here's a couple nerd links to make up for it:

Darth Vader Masks : http://www.totalfilm.com/features/100-amazing-darth-vader-helmets

Jar Jar getting beat up on the Subway : http://improveverywhere.com/2011/04/01/jar-jar-subway-car/

Anyone Need A Yoga Matt?

2011-03-31T23:22:00.007+09:00

In-chan, Taiwanese. She's the girl who lives next to me. She's still here, but will be leaving in two weeks.

Mina-chan, Korean. She left two weeks ago.

Clare, British. Leaving next Tuesday. Has trouble riding a train by herself at the moment.

Lion-chan, Korean. Left two days ago. Look at the lion face she drew.

Erin, American. Left Tokyo about ten minutes ago. Will leave Japan in three weeks.

Erin again. I was there when she bought these.

March in Japan is the month of good-byes--school graduations, moving for work, etc. But this is a bit ridiculous.

Spring Plans Canceled

2011-03-28T22:49:00.003+09:00

Bad news everybody. Inokashira-koen, the park where I've attended a Hanami (Flower Viewing Party) every year since I came to Japan, has banned Hanamis this year in deference to the recent disaster. No, I'm not too sure why those two things are related. A Hanami is a just a big picnic where everyone gets amazingly drunk and plays frisbee. I don't understand why we in Tokyo have to cancel an event that people spend 11 months planning, discussing, and waiting for. If anything, I think everyone can use a big drinking binge. Plus, if we can't have it there, we'll just find someplace else to have it. This makes no sense.

This isn't an isolated event, by the way. If you read this article, you'll see that lots of people are showing restraint. They mention in the article that people have even stopped going to karaoke. I kinda chuckled when I read this because I've been to karaoke three times since the earthquake, compared to once in the previous three months. I even went last night.

Here's what I sung :
There is a Light That Never Goes Out -- The Smiths
Cutey Honey Theme Song -- A Japanese Woman
Ruby Soho -- Rancid
Chim Chim Cher-ee by Dick Van Dyke
Linda Linda (or, Rinda Rinda)-- The Blue Hearts
Poneytails and Shirts -- AKB 48

I think there were a few others in there, too. It's a bit fuzzy. I just remember not singing anything particularly well except for the Cutey Honey Theme Song. I kick ass at that.

Pat's New Life

2011-03-24T20:56:00.002+09:00

Here's some bullet points describing my new life, post-earthquake and possible nuclear meltdown.

From the time I got to work today until about 3:30 pm, I wore my winter coat at work.
The blackouts mean that sometimes one of my co-workers will get an email from his family and then have to leave in an hour because his train will shut down.
At work, the lights are left off until about 5:00 pm so we work in the dark.
If it rains, we are allowed to turn the lights on (yeah).
Every other row of lights was removed.
The bathroom has only three lights on. I'm pooping in near total darkness.
Everyday there's at least one aftershock.
When there's an aftershock that starts from a bit far away or is really big, everyone's cell phones send out a warning. When that happens on the train, people grab a strap with one hand and checks their cell phone with the other.
I don't have the warning option on my cell phone, so I'm very confused.
We aren't allowed to give water to babies.
If someone sees you drinking water from the tap, they assume you're crazy.
Now we are allowed to give water to babies.
The blackouts will continue for about a year. That nuclear power plant supplied a lot of energy to Tokyo and there's just not enough with the plant out of commission.
We may be able to wear shorts to work in the summer because it's expected our building will be too hot.
Some stores still close early.
Other stores are closed until further notice.
You check where the milk came from when you pick it up in the store.
Japanese veggies are too expensive, so I have no problems in the store.
I hate spinach and now I have a good reason not to eat it.
Stores that are open look closed at night because they don't have the sign lit.
Tokyo Electric Power is becoming a synonym for jackass.
Some of my friends have left or are leaving and not coming back.

Except for the last one, I'd hardly consider any of the above particularly difficult. More of a minor annoyance than anything, especially compared to the people who have much much worse.

Status Update

2011-03-22T19:59:00.004+09:00

Not in the facebook way. Although, speaking of facebook, there's a video of me singing a song in Japanese at Karaoke on there. It was quite dark so you can't really see me, but the voice... all Pat.

In other news, everyone calmed down finally. I can buy milk again, and rice as well. I'm sure at this point, I'll be able to get a good deal on the rice since everyone bought a three year supply last week. The milk return of milk is great because I'm not stupid enough to think that you can hoard milk. It has a shelf-life and it doesn't freeze, idiots!!!!

Things are back to normal at work, except that Maruf shaved his beard. I thought when you didn't show up to work for a week you were supposed to grow a beard. He apparently got that one wrong. (He was working from home, btw. Like, 8:00 pm to 8:00 am shift. That's what happens when an earthquake snaps three or four of the big internet lines between America and Japan. There was an article about it on bbc, but their search engine stinks so I'm not finding it for you. The repair work involves a submarine, though. Interesting stuff.)

As for my place of residence, lots of Koreans and Taiwanese people went home. Those with working holiday visas will not be returning because they quit their old jobs and in an interview for a new job, the first question you get asked is, "When does your visa expire?" You tell the person anything less than six months and they politely introduce you to the door. Some people I won't see again, others will come back to collect their crap, and I think one guy will be crashing on my floor for a while when he returns for a vacation. Should be fun, but at the moment half the rooms on my floor are still empty and it's just a bit lonely.

Finally, you wanna see a cool birthday gift:
The candle is the birthday gift. The card is a good-bye card. One I was happy to get. The other, not so much. Those are shamrocks on the candle, too. Awesome.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2011-03-17T19:27:00.003+09:00

Homemade Shamrock Shake. And I mean that. Even the ice cream.

Here are brownies I made yesterday. I used the Good Eats recipe. They were amazing!

I'm Not Going Home

2011-03-15T20:54:00.002+09:00

I was going to explain what happened over the weekend, but I don't want to think about that right now. All right, here's the short story, all you need to know: Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, Volcanoes... all scary. Stupidity... Petrifying. I ran into a little too much of that for a couple of days there.

But this post isn't about that. It's about me not coming (yet). I know that when you turn on the news or read an article at work, you get visions of this horrible situation wherein you think some sort of catastrophe that you thought you could only see in a movie comes to life. It's not really the case. Yes, the situation is dangerous up there. And yes, there's still a whole lot that can go wrong. And yes, a whole lot has already gone wrong. But there's also a lot of people working on the situation and nothing terribly dangerous has happened yet. ESPECIALLY for someone living 170 miles away in Tokyo.

Look, if you're not convinced, check out this page. (A guy a couple miles west of me stuck a geiger counter out his window, apparently from last year some time. He just happened to have an interest already and the timing was perfect). The graph at the top shows radiation levels for the past 15 hours. It spiked for about an hour this afternoon--to levels that aren't even dangerous for such a limited period. Plus, I was in a building the entire time. I didn't get exposed to anything, then the levels dropped to normal. No problems.

How do I know the levels weren't dangerous? I have this page, with the helpful little chart at the bottom. So, even if you lived in Gunma Prefecture (about two prefectures north of me, call it halfway between us and the plants), you would have received less dosage than you would get from a chest X-ray--I know Japanese! Trust me.

And you know what? Even if it does continue, I'll just start drinking beer. Apparently, it can limit the absorption of radiation, according to this article. That is what the article says. It's cute and I don't know if I believe it, but I thought it was funny.

These graphs aren't the only reason I'm not going home. Actually, they probably have little do with me not going home at all. When you get down to it, I just don't want to go home. I don't want to leave my life. I worked to build some semblance of a life here, and while I know it's not perfect it's the product of a lot of really, really awful times that I had to endure. I've spent too much effort to get to this point to just throw my hands in the air and walk away. This is my life. If I were really someone who just quit that easily, would I have worked at LM for five and half years? No. I'm not that kind of person. I'm way more stubborn than that.

So I'm staying. And when people ask me if they should stay, I say that if they're worried they should go, but there's no reason to be worried yet. A lot of smart people are working very hard on the plants and some of them won't survive it, but their sacrificing their future for mine. I respect that, and it just gives me more faith that they'll find a way. I believe in them.

And if you don't, at least believe in me. I'm not a complete idiot. I know the risks. I know what could but probably won't happen. If I have to, I will run. My stubbornness does not get in the way of my survival.

But for now, I'm fine. Relax.

Pat's Story

2011-03-14T22:30:00.003+09:00

No more Korean pics because I imagine you'd like to know what happened.

First off, all of the horrible pictures you've seen on television were from locations far from me here in Tokyo. One of the hardest hit areas was Sendai, which you can see here (and the following two posts). The people there went through an awful tragedy. It always had the potential to occur so there were measures taken to guard against it or limit the damage, but the tsunami that rolled through complete towns up there brushed aside any measures taken to limit it's effectiveness as if they were nothing. The earthquake was quite shallow so the tsunami created by it moved too fast to even start anything resembling an evacuation. I imagine a warning horn was still sounding when it struck. Whole towns were wiped away. The death toll was in the hundreds the first few days, but once the waters receded, towns of 10,000 people were found with no survivors. That number will only grow.

I write that and read that, but yet it feels distant. It's as if I'm writing about Katrina, it's so far from what I experienced.

I was at work sitting at my desk waiting for an email. My office is on the 21rst floor of a building on the east side of town. It felt as if the floor bounced against my feet and I knew an earthquake was coming. As you already know, they aren't unusual in this country, so I've had the same experience a couple times already. But when this one came, it didn't stop. A minute passed and if the look of fear in my co-worker Jooyon's (F, Korean) face wasn't enough to tell me that this was worse than anything yet, the building swaying like the top of a tree in a hurricane did it. Books toppled, the building groaned as if it were someone who had just picked up something it realized too late it couldn't carry, then someone yelled for everyone to get under their desks. I crawled beneath my desk along with everyone else. Then Jooyon started nearly crying as she cowered so I grabbed her hand to let her know that she wasn't in this alone. I don't think it had any effect. When the building you're in feels like the top of a bendy straw, I don't know what a hand can do.

Here's a bit of a strange thing... I felt like a complete coward hiding under my desk. It was only later that I realized why. None of my coworkers had the thought the building would topple, only me. They knew it would hold, they were just hiding from pieces of ceiling. Meanwhile I pictured the building going down with me on all fours under a desk. Made me sick.

Two minutes later it stopped--not a quick stop, the earthquake's foot eased off the accelerator and finally we were down to the leftover kinetic energy of the building. I jumped back to my feet and looked for my friend Maruf only to find that he had not only never left his seat, he actually never stopped working. I might have laughed out loud, though that would have been nerves. I quickly logged onto facebook and updated my status:

I'm fine. Relax.

That was at 3:01pm local time.

I then sent emails to my parents and my sister for when they woke up.

At this point, everyone moved away from their desk, walking around the room to make sure their friends were okay and just trying to do something to get the tension out of their system. Then on the far side of the room, people started pointing out the window. Someone opened one of the closed blinds. Investigating, I saw a plume of black smoke already higher than my building and climbing. It as somewhere on Odaiba, a place I've been to so many times I can't even count. You know what? I still have no idea what the building was. The news was not helpful in that respect.

I was on the far side of the room when the second one hit. I don't know if "second one" is the right word, but there was a large earthquake followed by a fifteen minute recess topped off with another rolling for two minutes. The shaking of the floor jammed loose the chair holding open the door which can only be opened with a RFID badge. I knew there were 4 women about to come running into the room from the bathroom so I lept to the reader, flashed my badge, threw open the door, kicked the chair against the door, and jumped back just narrowly missing the fastest woman.

They dove beneath the desk. I couldn't. The building whined and voices echoed. I stayed silent as I watched the building across from us wave back and forth, wondering if it was going to reach that point where it just snaps.

Then it stopped. The rocking continued, but it weakened with every sway. Within an hour the plume of black smoke on Odaiba ceased rising, the fire put out. The smoke already in the air spread over everything like a black umbrella.

I'll jump ahead because what happens next is actually rather boring: I walked home. The trains stopped on account of the possibility a track was bent or the power line had snapped. All trains down. All trains in Tokyo down. Look at this map, the one at the top. All those lines down. Now this map. All those lines down. Now, you know the green ring on the first map? That's where everyone works. That's not where anyone lives. 20 Million people hoofing it.

I was four hours from home. I walked with Jooyon to the next station to the north, where she turned east to meet her husband. I turned west, joining the thrall, my only company my headphones, walking passed the parking lot the roads had become. I walked passed fast food restaurants normally empty that time of day in that part of town with lines out the door. I saw at least six women carrying bags for ABC Mart, the ubiquitous shoe store. On their feet, Chuck Taylor low tops. If you were planning to buy them on Saturday, I hope you were going to the suburbs.

At ten thirty, three and half hours into my journey, I heard what sounded like a guy with marbles in his mouth speaking into a megaphone--the unmistakable international call of the train station attendant. The line nearest my house--not the one I take everyday--was back in service. I even got a seat. There was a long time between stops and I'd never been in a train that slow, but I didn't care. I was almost home.

I stopped at the convenience store in front of the station. Cup Ramen and two things of vanilla ice cream. The salty ramen was my dinner. A milkshake was my dessert. Not just mine, though. I gave some to my friends and made them happy for a short time. Then we all turned back to the news and grew silent again.

(This isn't really the end of the story, but this post is ridiculous and what happens next just makes me mad thinking about it so I'm gonna stop here. I'll put some more up tomorrow. Or Wednesday. I'm not making any promises.)

This And That From Korea

2011-03-09T19:47:00.006+09:00

Finishing up at the aquarium.

Not real penguins. Very real Korean kid.

I think this was a fish. Kinda looks like a fish. I was more impressed with the tree behind it, though.

Part of a "DIY Aquarium" exhibit. I didn't think cats liked water, but I've been wrong before.

This guy would later ride this trike across the floor of the tank. He didn't pedal, of course.

Shore front view gone bad.

It's an aquarium... IN AN AQUARIUM!!!! Oh my God!!!

There you go. That was my Korean aquarium experience. As an aquarium, it was lame... like most aquariums. As an art museum, however, it was quite enjoyable. Even with Nazi Frog.

Korean Aquarium

2011-03-08T22:27:00.007+09:00

It's much more interesting than you'd think. Here are some pics.

The only sharks at the aquarium. No real ones.

I like animals with stupid names. Here's one.

Not a real frog. It's a Nazi frog. Take a closer look.

I don't know what this is. Not a fish, that's for damn sure.

Undersea diver.

I don't know what Bart is thinking here, but I hope he decides to help Maggie soon.

That's it for now. More aquarium pics without any fish later.

Not Seoul, Books

2011-02-24T22:37:00.004+09:00

Here's a quick roundup of books I've read lately:

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen -- I enjoyed The Corrections. This wasn't as good because one of the main characters cries every thirty pages or so and that gets ridiculously lame after a while. Also, the ending is a bit saccharine for my taste--I mean, the brown girl died, but all the white people are happy so... who cares, right?

The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi -- The genre is Biopunk, which is new to me, but not too alien. See the evolution: cyberpunk->postcyberpunk->steampunk->biopunk. The author is from Colorado, by the way. I assumed he was from somewhere on the other side of the Rio Grande. Anyway, the book itself is the scariest thing I've read in a while. Basically, the entire world collapses because of a lack of oil and engineered crop diseases. Sick stuff. If you think this future is possible (like I do), then you'll be scared shitless, too.

The Hammer of God by Arthur C. Clarke -- My first Arthur C. Clarke book... and probably my last. There's just not a lot there. Entertaining, but disposable. It did start as a short story and never shook that short story feel, so perhaps I should give something else he wrote a try, but I'm not gonna run out and buy something of his soon. As for the story, remember Armageddon? With Bruce Willis? It's like that, without the Aerosmith song (thankfully).

The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson -- I read the first one, but that last year. I enjoyed this one more. It's an entertaining thriller with interesting characters. Unfortunately, my only take away from the novel is this -- do Swedes really drink that much coffee? Seriously, it's coffee or vodka. Anyone ever pop open an ice tea now and again? Milk? O.J.?

Rabbit, Run by John Updike -- You know how sometimes you read something and it grabs your mind grapes and shakes them back and forth until you can see scenes in your dreams and you dread the last page because that means there will be nothing more? This is the opposite of that. I don't know what I'm looking for in this book, I don't know what's the hook in this writing style, I don't know why anyone would want to read anything else he wrote after reading this. I appreciate that there are some pretty sentences in there, but most of what's written is for different ears than mine. Not recommended.

DMZ

2011-02-23T20:06:00.010+09:00

I went to see the DMZ because where else in the world are you able to see a war zone without really putting yourself in danger? The tour I took didn't take us to the JSA, which is where you actually get to see the room with the line dividing the table in half, for use when the North and South get together for a quick chat. I highly suggest you take that tour if you can. Mine was good, but I didn't get a close up look at much of anything interesting.

One other piece of advice about your tour--try not to go with any Australians or Swedes who are determined to have as little fun as possible and that want to do nothing besides disagree with the tour guide and ask dumb questions because they don't understand anything. Bunch of ass holes.

Male soldier (not real).

Female soldier sporting a nice beret. I bet that medal is for "Fashion Sense".

From these binocs, you can see North Korea... if it's not a hazy day. You can't get any closer than this, unfortunately. This is from the designated picture taking zone. Step outside and a Korean soldier tells you to back off.

This would be the last stop in South Korea on a line which eventually becomes the Trans-Siberian Railroad (orchestra?), but the border shut down like two years after then opened it so now there's just a couple soldiers and a guy selling you tickets you can't use except to see the platform and the waiting train.

Might be the cleanest station in the whole world, though. Oh, and George Bush stopped by to give a speech when he was President. Then he signed a wooden railroad tie.

Because there are so many people who take these tours (in high season, not the middle of winter), they built a theme park to amuse people who are waiting for the next bus. Dare to ride the Super Viking! Doesn't it look like something from that carnival that came through town every year?

We also went to see one the of four tunnels North Korea has built under the DMZ as part of planned invasions. These aren't from years and years ago, either. The third (the one we saw) was discovered the year before I was born (so maybe they are from years and years ago). The fourth was found in 1990!

Interesting tour. Lots of showing your passport, lots of guys in fatigues in the background, lots of obnoxious white people complaining that it's not interesting enough. Good times.

Korean Nights

2011-02-22T07:47:00.006+09:00

Continuing my trip:

The angle-y bits on the left are Japanese... in Korea. It says 'Nails', by the way. Korea is known for cheap nails, I guess.

Freaky looking building. I think it was built by SamEsung, but not one of the SamEsung companies that sells anything in America.

Man U. bar. With a meal over $100, Wayne Rooney comes out and bicycles kicks you a free ice cream.

There's a stream in the northern part of town which they've beautified up and allowed artists to put their own installations in. Here you go. I think this was, "Dancing Trees." Or maybe not.

View from the middle of the stream.

And it all ends at a waterfall.

Climbing the Tower

2011-02-17T23:31:00.006+09:00

Some pics from my trip. This is N'Seoul Tower, an observation tower built on a hill in the middle of the city.

This is in the lobby of the lift station. Someone had stenciled birds on the windows.

Even after the lift, we're still not there yet. I'm sure this is quite nice in the spring or fall, though. Winter... not so much.

Loves locks.

I'd like to meet the Korean Homer and Maggie who put these up.

Hazy days of winter. This is like one fifth of Seoul, by the way. Imagine 360 degrees of this.

That Hyatt? I think it's a casino. The river there divides the new part of town from the old part. The new part is on the South side, the far side of the river. It's boring and full of nouveau riche. Don't go there.

In the cafe at the base of the tower. Plenty of room for you to add your own magnet.

I'm Back From Korea!

2011-02-16T22:04:00.003+09:00

There was no post Monday because I was screwing around. Yesterday was because this site was down or something and I couldn't get to the Edit Post page. Sorry to be late.

Thoughts on Korea

The rich part of town sucks. Don't stay in a hotel near the rich part of town
I've said it before, but... Traditional Korean hats are AWESOME! I wish I was born in 16th century Korea just so I could such an awesome hat
If you don't have someone ordering for you, acquiring food might be a bit of a pain
Cheap! Everything is cheap! You can get like four chickens worth of chicken for $10
The DMZ tour is only good if you go to the JSA. Otherwise, pass
Don't go in February. It's too damn cold
Someone needs to teach Koreans to put some milk in their coffee. I had like five cups of black coffee. It was good, but bitter
I would definitely go again

Pics later. Here's a taste:
When I invent my writing system, this is what I want my statue to look like.

Magically Hilarious

2011-02-09T20:46:00.002+09:00

This is hilarious if you've read Harry Potter. If not, you might still get a kick out of it. But probably not.

This is the only post this week. I have to go pack to go to Korea, where I'll be for the next four days. Anyone gonna be in the neighborhood? We should meet up.

Missing: Futon

2011-02-03T23:11:00.003+09:00

I read the first sentence then cracked up laughing.
As I was laughing my ass off, one of my friends said, "That was my reaction, too!"

Seriously, who the hell would steal a futon? Did they think it wouldn't be missed?

I haven't heard if it's been returned, but I'll ask around.

Wildcard, Bitches!

2011-02-01T23:12:00.002+09:00

Here's a reason to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, if you've never had the pleasure. If I had been drinking milk while I was watching this the first time, it would have come out of my nose.

Still No Snow. YEAH!!!

2011-01-31T23:32:00.004+09:00

Last Saturday, I went to a bar to play with table that had an interactive top quite similar to a gigantic version of an iPhone or iPad or other smart phone. You can find an ad for the bar here. While the pictures show people enjoying the surfaces, I assure you that the reality is quite dissimilar. You press on the table and wait an eon or two for the menu to pop up, then stare at the icons which could be an alien language for all the help they are. Eventually, you just click on one button--good choice, the menu. The selection isn't bad, but then you press the drink you want and it turns out that's not how it works. Instead, you give your order to a waiter just like a normal bar/lounge/restaurant. As the drink you desire comes from your mouth, you wonder, "Why don't they just give me a real menu and save me some trouble?"

While you wait for your drink, you bring up the map. You try to spin the globe to get around to North America, but it spins too much and you end up in Europe. You try to spin back, but by that time your drink has arrived and the server has placed it on the screen, where it serves to function as a zoom button. Now you're staring at a small speck of the south pacific thinking, "I guess Magellan said by here...?" When you finally zoom out and manage to trick the thing into showing you North America, you zoom in onto New Jersey. Your town grows in size until you can almost recognize some buildings, a golf course, a stadium--then it crashes. You're left with a Windows logo. You give up.

Having decided after five minutes that you've just wasted your time, you go to dig into the all you can eat food. You ask the server for a menu. He brings you one, then says, "Actually, we're not serving food until 10:00." It's 8:00 and you're starving. He hands you a plate of popcorn. Three plates later, you decide enough is enough and get the hell out of there. All you can eat popcorn. What a joke.

Still No Snow

2011-01-27T22:50:00.003+09:00

No snow in Tokyo. Not yet, and probably not ever. Even though it gets cold enough at night--just barely--there is not enough moisture in the air to accumulate enough to fall.

You know what that means?

No THUNDERSNOW!!!!

Seriously, what the hell is that? It sounds like a GIJoe character or a wrestler's moniker. I guest it's supposed to sound fierce, but it only ends up sounding ridiculous. I'm glad I never had to say, "Oh shit, it's gonna THUNDERSNOW tonight!" That's how it should be written, by the way, in all caps. You gotta sell the awesome power of THUNDERSNOW!

Now, let's see if other combinations of weather patterns result in anything so awe-inspiring:

LightningSunshine
Hailovercast
Snowpartlycloudy
Squallfoggy
Rainsnow

Nope. Nothing so amazing. Let's stick with THUNDERSNOW!!!

I Am Not A Weather Man...

2011-01-18T23:49:00.002+09:00

...and I'm not in the Philly region. Therefore, I have no idea what the hell weather this is supposed to be:

Is is what I think it is? Did white superballs fall from the sky like some children's version of one of the plagues in the Bible? Was it difficult to drive on bouncy balls? Were they SUPER bouncy balls or just REGULAR bouncy balls? Was anyone dumb enough to try and catch a bouncy ball on their tongue, only for it to go horribly wrong?

These are all questions I pondered as I viewed the weather back home.

Yeah, I know it's in celsius, by the way, but when I kept telling people "It's like zero degrees outside!", they usually replied, "No, I think it's colder than that." I've adjusted.

Introducing My Nephew

2011-01-17T23:42:00.002+09:00

Riley is over two years old now, but I think this may be the first time I've put a picture of him on this blog. He's a fun little guy and he already has a hobby. You can see for yourself below.

Here he is playing DS with his mom.

And here he is playing DS with his dad.

And here he is trying to figure it out himself. Good luck Riley!

Cowabunga, Dude

2011-01-14T20:47:00.003+09:00

Because no one demanded it, a Live Action Simpsons Porno.

What would Abe think? This has to be one of the most disturbing things I've seen in my life. People all weirdly colored yellow... Do they have kidney failure? They look sick. I don't mean that in an "Eww, gross!" manner, but rather, "So, when's the doctor appointment? Or should I just drive you to the ER now?" way.

On the other hand, this show has been on TV for 20 years and no one did this before? What took them so long? I though porno parodies came out within weeks of the main product becoming popular, but, if anything, they Simpsons are a little over the hill. It's like one of those parody movies that those idiots keep churning out every three months, where all the jokes are the same and there's a bunch of Pop culture references that no one gets when they go to watch it four or five years later.

I guess Family Guy is next, right?

The Myth of the $10 E-Book

2011-01-12T21:04:00.003+09:00

I got a Kindle for X-mas and I absolutely love it. It's light, it's easy on the eyes (even for marathon reading sessions when you're say, on the flight from Newark to Tokyo), it's got a slick cover (sold separately) that does a great job of protecting the precious insides, it's easy to search for books, and you can make highlights that you can then review later. It's fantastic.

But.

I was under the impression that the books for the Kindle were supposed to be $10. Was I wrong? Hell yes. Just look at the first page of the Kindle Books section on Amazon. As of this writing, it's got a couple of "The Girl..." books for $7 and a handful of new releases for $12. You gotta go to the second page to finally find one for $10.

I agree that $12 is still pretty cheap, but here's my beef: the price of hardbacks and the price of paperbacks have practically exploded in the past ten years. (This, even though the quality of a paperback took a dive into the shit-cellar to the point that it doesn't even have any resale value.) The reason for the ever higher prices--problem numero uno, we were all told--the cost of paper has increased. Now, if you've picked up a copy of Philly's City Paper recently, than this is no surprise to you. This alt-weekly is down to like 20 pages, and it's still mostly ads for Asian massage parlors.

Now, I can't afford the hardback and I don't want to buy the paperback because I don't like cheap ink rubbing off onto my fingers for 500 pages, so I get the Kindle and I go to buy a book that's not even so new--Nixonland. It came out a couple years ago, it's most likely down into paperbacks by now, should be $10. Nope. $14--even though the paperback version is $8. What the hell is that money paying for!? Memory? You know how much a Tetrabyte of memory costs these days? It's down to $100, and I only used half my ass to search. Point is, there's no way that money is going to pay for memory. How about network infrastructure? That costs real money, right? It's Amazon. They sell cloud services! Sending a tiny book is a rounding error for them.

Okay, that's enough. We all know where the money is going: profits. (You don't really think it's going to the authors, do you?) I write this, I understand this, and I want to be angry but I'm not. Instead, I'm upset, saddened even. You see, I feel lied to. I feel as if I was lied to for a ten years and I'm upset about it. I feel betrayed by an industry that cried poverty and wailed about the fact no one was reading any more for ten plus years, then decided my wallet was their property.

I realize I'm receiving a product in return--one I'm (in theory) permitted to own for life--but it's a product with a price structure that makes no obvious sense. So when I attempt to solve this riddle of the inappropriately expensive electronic book, I inevitably fail and inevitably end up feeling cheated. These books shouldn't cost $14. They probably shouldn't even cost $10, but I like round numbers so I'm more than willing to cough up $10 for a new book. How about $12? Now I have reservations, and all it took was two lousy bucks. Reservations I don't need. Books, I do. Cheaper ones.

Vacation Over. When's the Next One?

2011-01-10T20:23:00.000+09:00

I'm back from America, and I have pictures to prove it!

However, I lost the cord that goes from the memory card reader to my computer, so I can't actually put any of them here just yet. The search continues.

In the meantime, here's a bunch of youtube links.

Click on this if you like farts and Family Guy. I'd advice against it if one of those things bothers you in any way.
This clip just proves Elmo is gay. Who the hell would run away from that cleavage?
Pie! Pie! Pie! Olivia Munn! Pie! Pie! Pie! French Maid Outfit!
Swearing Wonder Woman.
Dee from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia dancing with a Green Inflatable Guy.

Pat's Xmass List

2010-12-20T21:17:00.004+09:00

I'm heading home in 3 days. I got two more days of work, then one day of major cleanage, then the good ol 15 hour flight to lovely... Newark, NJ. Couldn't be happier to be going home for a bit. Here's a list of the food I plan to eat upon my arrival

Good pizza
Cheesesteak
Candy with peanut butter in it
Meals not cooked by me that I didn't have to pay for
Good French Fries
Some sort of roast
Baked potatoes
Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream
That healthy cereal I always eat that my dad makes fun of me about
Smoked bacon
OJ from a jug

It's gonna be a blast! Woo-hoo!

This is the last post for a while, so if you need/want an update on my life, see me in person while you can.

Getting Older... Learning to Like John Denver

2010-12-15T22:13:00.004+09:00

I don't have a graph for this, but this seems like the perfect topic for one of the those wacky graphs that I've linked to in the past. Here it is in word form:

Age: What you think about John Denver and the Muppet Xmass Album
5 Who the heck is that funny looking muppet with the glasses and long hair?
15 John Denver sucks
25 The Muppet Xmass Album! Holy shit, John Denver, too! Lucky Day!!!!

Here's a link to the 2nd best version of the 12 Days of Xmass. (The Falkenbach Family Sing-A-Long has, now and forever, the top spot.)

By the way, the album version is a little different. I don't think Kermit shows up until 12 on the album.

Bonus link: A Muppet Family Xmass (from 1987). I think this is the one with the Jug Band.

Bonus link 2: The movie I'll be watching just about every day until I get home: A Muppet Xmass Carol. All 11 parts on youtube. How about that. I just hope they got rid of the song "When Love Is Gone". Lovely song, but it has no place in the movie. Kills it dead.

10 Days until Xmass.

Pat Wins

2010-12-15T00:13:00.003+09:00

Wanna see one of my lifelong dreams become reality?

It's a cake shaped like Pac-Man chasing three ghosts, one of whom lost his leg (red guy). Okay, maybe the ghost with only two legs wasn't really part of the life-long dream, but the Pac-Man shaped cake sure was. And I accomplished it. This is going right up there with finishing that giant list of books I've read (all 180 slots filled), getting season tickets to the Flyers, and writing a novel no one will ever read.

I don't get to say this often, but I won that day. I won.

Can I Get Fries With That?

2010-12-08T22:16:00.005+09:00

I was Xmass shopping today when I found this, a Cakewich Sandwich Cake Mold. Investigating further, I found this on the back of the box.

Here's a list of side orders they rejected before they realized that it came with a "Side Order of Fun":

Side order of Raisins
Side order of Pain
Side order of The King James Bible
Side order of Syphilis
Side order of Kangaroo Meat
Side order of Hail
Side order of Apathy
Side order of Bud Light
Side order of Cigarette Butts
Side order of Spoiled Milk
Side order of Mold
Side order of Ball Bearings

I think they chose wisely.

By the way, I did not purchase this product. Why? Look at the directions--you gotta bake this thing at 315 degrees. Japanese ovens don't even go down that far. They go about as low as 180 degrees C, but 315 degrees F is about 157 degrees C. If I used it, I'd burn my cakewich, and who wants a burnt cakewich?

Random Links

2010-12-06T23:45:00.003+09:00

Because the countdown to Tron has started, here's one of the many Tronifications you can find on these here internets these days.
Pie charts used to make fun of movies. Who doesn't love the joyful mix of comedy and maths?
What every nerd wants for X-mass. You just wonder if it makes the awesome noise as an alarm.
Finally, the craziest thing you'll read in a while. Seriously, these two a fucking nutbags. And it's freaking Randy Quaid for crying out loud!
Bonus round: What every two year nerd (like my nephew) wants for X-mass.

C is for Cookie

2010-12-02T23:59:00.002+09:00

Here two links to interesting pics that I'm placing here in honor of the fact I have a new camera which is actually freaking awesome. Gotta love people unwilling to cart shit back to their home country.

First, I didn't even know there were color cameras back then.

Next, look at how many people are smoking in the stands.

Finally, here's a pic that I took with my phone. Don't let the pic fool you, these things actually sucked. Tasted awful and the bottoms were burnt. Very disappointing.

What Does Pat's Room Smell Like Today?

2010-11-29T22:38:00.008+09:00

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I had to work and I haven't eaten any turkey since I got a turkey hoagie from subway a month ago. It was good, but there were no leftovers or stuffing, so it hardly compares to Thanksgiving.

In other news, my guesthouse has an oven. I am over the moon. I got so excited I spent all day Saturday and Sunday baking. See:

Creaming the butter...

Almost done mixing...

Halfway through the baking...

Finished!

So, any guess to the question posed as the title to this blog?

Strawberries!!!

By the way, the reason I made the cake was because I wanted to make a cake. But there was also a party for this girl because she's going back home to Korea.

That was just after I brought it out. Here's the cake about five minutes later.

This cake was fucking unbelievable, by the way. Never had anything like it, it was that good. I mean, I made cookies on Saturday and they were absolute shit, so it's not like I'm going soft on my food. No, that cake was AMAZING!

Why? Stand mixer. Couldn't have done it without the stand mixer.

Thanks Mom and Dad! Best birthday present ever.

Coffee Time Get's More Interesting

2010-11-24T22:00:00.003+09:00

At my work, there's no coffee maker. If you want coffee, you have to either use instant coffee, which destroys my stomach, or you have to use a one cup drip thing which makes some of the worst tasting coffee any human being was ever forced to drink.

But then I remembered a third option:
A French Press.

It's got a plunger. You know what happens when you press the plunger? You smile. Then you drink good coffee.

It's small, but it makes me happy.

Random Thoughts (Mostly Nerdy Stuff)

2010-11-22T23:03:00.002+09:00

Why did youtube give us the ability to search for other people's playlists only to take that ability away? What the hell! You know how convenient it was to just put on a playlist and do my work? It's not like I can get some streaming music site at work.
This is just ridiculous. And quite Japanese. Are they really doing it because they need the dog or because they just want the publicity? There was a cat Train Station Boss around a while back... don't see how this is different.
New Harry Potter-- best one yet. Though I have all the same gripes with the movie that I have with the book, namely that Harry makes some pretty stupid fucking decisions. Why does he not go back and wake up Hermione before he decides to go swimming in the freezing pond? Who is he trying to impress?
The awesomest thing ever, a website dedicated to Dr. Who's scarf! With lessons on how to make your own!
This is all sorts of nerdy. Almost as nerdy as dressing your 2 year old son up as Darth Vader for Halloween. (Best costume ever!)

Just a Little...

2010-11-19T19:26:00.002+09:00

If you zoom into the speech bubble above the 7, you'll see that these hangers are "Slightly Convenient". Not Quite convenient or Very convenient or even just convenient, but "Slightly Convenient". And it's actually true because they're so light, I can't put anything heavy on them. I don't know what the pic about the shoes is on about. They ain't fooling me.

Design Festa Freaks

2010-11-17T20:46:00.010+09:00

Went to the Design Festa again. Took a bunch of pics again. Gonna post a bunch here again. Enjoy.

It's what all the kids aren't wearing. Seriously, I've never seen anyone in anything other than a very traditional kimono.

Some sort of Ninja Bear or something?

Look at this! The guy took common junk and turned it into a different kind of junk.

I think there's a person in here. Possibly two.

House of wooden bricks. Add some straw for a roof and you got the Big Bad Wolf's wet dream. There was a chair in there, by the way. A common folding chair. It's there for contemplation perhaps?

No idea what these things are, but I think Adrian bought one. Possibly for himself, which is weird.

There was also a cartoon of these guys. The look like cousins of the Wacky Inflatable Arms from Family Guy. I did not purchase one as I do not have to distract motorists enough to get them to come into my used car dealership.

That's it for now. More later.

Pat's Links

2010-11-15T22:07:00.002+09:00

Holy Shit! Alton Brown is on South Park this week! Plus, it looks like a Randy-heavy episode, which is also a great thing.

As usual, not the best race, but I'm all for the result.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World kicked all kinds of ass. Here's some more (which is no where near as funny as the movie).

Finally, I bought new coffee and then made hot chocolate from scratch. Now my room smells like coffee and chocolate. It's awesome!

What's This Girl Smoking!?

2010-11-12T07:54:00.003+09:00

A while back when I climbed Takaosan, I found this crudely drawn, kiddy-friendly map. I stepped up to find out where I was and nearly ran away in fear. What the fuck was this little girl smoking!? She's so buzzed, she's running up a mountain! Is there anything in her backpack besides meth and 8-balls?

Beware of high twelve year olds when you climb mountains. That's the takeaway here.

Dress Up Party

2010-11-10T20:09:00.008+09:00

Continuing the previous post, here's people dressed in costumes. There were only like 5 or 6 costumes around, so everyone had to share. You'll understand what I mean when you see the pics.

The First Maid. The First Witch.

I don't know what this guy was dressed up, but he looked good.

The Second Maid. The Second Witch.

I don't know who or what the girl on the left was supposed to be, but she looked good.

The guy in the tiger outfit also owned the cow costume (seen above). He's in a band and wears them for shows sometimes.

The Third Maid. The First Appearance of the Green Hair.

The girl who works in the Hostess bar lent her work clothes to the others.

I don't know if she was a school girl or just wearing her normal clothes.

Gatchaman!

Back to the First Maid. Plus, the green costume is also owned by the guy in the tiger costume up above.

This guy had kinda "Joker-lite" makeup on his face. It was actually scary looking, especially when he got really drunk.

There you go. Halloween in Japan with no Americans.

Halloween-er

2010-11-09T00:06:00.007+09:00

Last week was Halloween. You may have been confused because The Simpsons and Family Guy aired their Halloween specials last night, but I assure you that it was October 31 just like every year.

Did you dress up for Halloween? If you did, I hope your costumes were better than these. Who would have thought Bert and Ernie could be so terrifying!

Anyway, there was also a Halloween party in my guest house. I ended up getting roped into helping with the decorations because everyone else had never attended a Halloween party before. That's life in Asia.

Here's some pics:
It says "Happy Halloween". I did the "Happy".

Black cat covered with purple tape.

One guest studies hieroglyphics in her free time. This says, "Welcome", but it may not.

Scary witch with cute, smiling bats.

The black light corner. Because... I don't know. It was a party.

Close up of the dragon in the above photo. No idea what it has to do with Halloween, though I did like it.

That's it for this batch of photos. The next will have pics of people in costumes, none of which will give you nightmares like that guy who made the segmented eyes for Elmo costume in the above link.

Movie Ideas

2010-11-03T18:36:00.003+09:00

Here's a list of movies which should be made:

An Indiana Jones movie w/out aliens... because what the fuck is Indy Jones doing fighting aliens?
Matrix Sequel--One day I'll meet someone besides myself who enjoyed the first two sequels. One day.
A movie about a surfing Panda.
Snakes on a Plane II: Crocodiles on a Plane
Tron 2 --Wait, they are making it! And it looks fucking awesome!
Last Starfighter 2 -- Star Wars knockoff, but not a bad one.
Legend II -- Don't you wanna see if big horned guy made it back to menace Tom Cruise? (Aside: Ridley Scott directed Legend. That's not a joke. Ridley Scott. I expected it to be a Tony Scott production, too, but there you go.)
My Two Dads: The Movie-- I bet the guy who wasn't Paul Reiser is available. And prolly Paul Reiser, too.

Nosy Monster

2010-11-03T00:03:00.004+09:00

This is on a train platform at a station in the burbs of Tokyo. Can you imagine seeing this smiling phallic face every day you get off the train? What the hell must that be like?

Side view.

Who's idea was this? Who was the one who said, "I got an idea for a sculpture!" Was the person torn between carving a big penis and a big face, and then settled for the fusion of those two ideas. And why is he frowning? I think we all know, actually--with a nose like that, he probably has a hard time getting laid. His nose has turned him into a bitter old man while yet in his verdant youth. Don't be mad at him. Pity him. Pity the Penis-Nosed Demon

Pat Climbs A Mountain...

2010-10-29T19:33:00.005+09:00

...for lack of anything better to do.

Here's something I won't be doing this weekend on account of a typhoon coming to town: climb a mountain. Or just generally be outside, I guess, though I've been though a bunch of these typhoons now and they've all amounted to SHIT so far. Except for the one that stopped the Sobu Line so I couldn't go to class.

Anyway, here's some nature-y pics of my climb up a mountain. I chose the path with the waterfall, in case you were wondering. Last time I climbed this mountain, I climbed the path with the chair lift. The waterfall path was better.

Here's the waterfall, by the way.

And the view from the top.

Helloweenie

2010-10-27T22:38:00.003+09:00

Here's a list of things I'd rather do than celebrate Halloween.

Root canal
Be spanked by a gorilla
Spank a gorilla
Sit in traffic for multiple hours
Read a dictionary that was written by a non-native speaker
Watch the complete series of that Paris Hilton show, the one where she's a complete bitch
Eat coffee grounds
Clean my underwear by hand
Jog
Shave my ass

Seriously, the only good memories I have of Halloween are Anita's parties, and I'm a bit too far away to attend those. That's even assuming she still has them. They were pretty fun, especially since a bunch of the people who attended I only met at that party. It was like one of those photo a day things, only over one year periods. Good times.

Having talked shit about Halloween, I will admit it's not all bad. Case in point: candy corns and Reese Peanut Butter Cups (aka, the best fucking candy on earth).

(There's also some salt water taffy in there, too, but that's hardly 'Halloweenie')

News

2010-10-25T23:50:00.003+09:00

Here's a large statue that might not make a list of the world's tallest, but may make a list of the world's sternest. Look at that head! Would you like that guy watching over you? Where's the smile? Where's the thumb's up like the buddy Jesus? Where's the winking eye and the pointing as if to say, "Yeah, you're my little sheep, aren't you?"

In other news, you know what's a great way to reduce gas mileage? Get all the crap out of your car. For example, the motor for your electric seat adds like 10 gallons of gas a year (or something like that. Go look it up yourself). But now, what about a dead guy? Yeah, you might be able to get into the commuter lane which should reduced stopping and starting, but does really make up for the dead weight in your car? I don't think so.

In other news, December 23 I come return.

Pat Appropriates Art For His Wall

2010-10-22T07:42:00.006+09:00

The walls of my room are blank and a little depressing, so I had to put something up there. One day, I came across a free magazine which was filled with ridiculous drawings. I flipped through it and realized my half-assed search had reached a place I could quit without really trying.

Be sure to read the captions.

The entire wall

Top left

Bottom left

Top middle

Bottom middle

Top right

Bottom right

Ice Scream

2010-10-20T20:34:00.007+09:00

I made ice cream. With the ice cream maker I bought at the end of the summer when it was like 70% off. Here's proof:

As you can see, it was peanut butter ice cream. The recipe I had wasn't a custard (though obviously, I could have just made it like a custard and who would care?). It was just peanut butter, milk, sugar, and then heavy cream. All I had to do was mix it--and I certainly had the right tool for that job!

After I mixed everything, I poured it into a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge overnight. I could have taken it out after 4 hours, maybe even 2, but I was tired and went to bed instead. Anyway, the base for the ice cream maker lives in my freezer. I assembled the maker and then proceeded to make an atrocious mess. The trash bag behind the maker is filled with paper towels I used to slop up the mess. It was kinda disgusting. But anyway, I managed to get some of the mixture into the machine (as opposed to on the floor) and then all I had to do was wait for like 20 minutes until the machine started making a noise that sounded like it was about to explode. After that, pour/slop the mixture back into a tupperware and throw it in the freezer overnight. The result...

Peanut Butter Ice Cream! It was kinda hard, though. How hard? This hard...

I was able to write my name in it. Plus, I only ate like 2 spoonfuls. It was that hard. At this rate, I should finish it sometime in December.

Oh, it tastes fucking great, by the way.

Pat's To Do List

2010-10-18T23:45:00.004+09:00

Last month, I made a to do list. Let's check it out and see how I did.

Move. Again. For the third time in 7 months

DELAYED on account of being broke!

Update the blog more often than once every two weeks

I'm doing better.

Start posting complete nonsense on here.

As if I wasn't posting complete nonsense before

Go to some place down in the middle of nowhere and take a bunch of photos.

I did. Later this week, maybe next.

Make another cake.

I did not. I made corn muffins instead and fed them to people who said, "What the fuck's a corn muffin? It doesn't task like corn, does it?"

Get a hair cut that doesn't make me look like an idiot.

I managed to accomplish this for a couple weeks, but I have returned to looking like an idiot.

Comb my hair before I get that damn haircut so that I don't look like such an idiot.

I combed it a couple days. One day, I didn't cause I thought my hair looked good. But then it dried and I went back to looking like an idiot again.

Try to make donuts again--but this time, not fail!

Nope.

Get me one of these albinos.

Currently awaiting delivery.

Find someplace to watch new Venture Brothers, which started last night.

Hilarious!

Speaking of which, find some genital formal wear.

Not yet.

Start posting more lists on here.

Lots more lists.

Answer emails that I received months ago (I'm looking at Joe on this one, amongst others).

I managed a couple, but I certainly need to step this up.

Watch Clue again in anticipation of Family Guy making fun of it.

Nope, but then it turned out the episode didn't even make fun of it. It was just lame.

Watch this movie, which features the greatest montage scene ever: for boys training how to surreptitiously take upskirt photos. (This movie really is 4 hours, by the way)

Not yet.

That's it. I'll make a new list later this week and we'll see what happens next month.

Other Ideas They Should Try

2010-10-13T21:50:00.002+09:00

You may have seen this by now, but here's a youtube link to a 3D child coming out of the street. In honor of that, here's a short list of other things which should come out of the street.

Near a forest: a bear
Near an airport: luggage
Near a baseball park: a baseball bat (the ball would be too obvious)
Near a school: someone's ripped up report card
Near a business center (such as Wall Street): a cock driving a BMW
Near an art museum: a group of thugs stealing another Van Gogh
Near a restaurant: a tray of food above to tip over
Near a hospital: an old guy in his ass-less gown wandering down the street; extra points if he has creamed corn dribbling down his chin
Near a fire station: a fire hose spraying water

There you go. Not my best work, but I'll see if I can't come up with any others while I'm dreaming tonight.

Movie Mashups

2010-10-11T21:19:00.004+09:00

This isn't new at all, but on these internets there's a lot of movie-mashups where people take two different movies and combine them for hilarity. Now, most of the time they're absolute shit, just like 90% of everything on the internets. But every once in a while, you get this:

The Matrix-Big Lebowski mash up.

There's some pretty good lines in there, topped by my favorite:

MORPHEUS: “You take the blue pill, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
THE DUDE: “What are you, a fukin park ranger now?”

As an added bonus, here's one of my favorite Seinfeld scenes ever.

The "P" Stands For Pimp

2010-10-07T22:53:00.002+09:00

Here's a list of reasons to walk with a limp and my opinion on the validity of the excuse:

You just got laid. GOOD
You just busted your knee on a piece of cement sticking out of the road. BAD
You're a pimp. GOOD
You just through out your lower back sneezing. BAD
You just threw a no-hitter in your first playoff game. GOOD
You slept wrong and you can't turn your head correctly. BAD
You wrecked your back in a terrible car crash at Montreal's Circuit Gilles Villenueve. GOOD
You wrecked your back in a terrible car crash in a Wawa parking lot. BAD

I'm currently suffering from #2, but if I get asked about it, I'm answering #3.

Soccer Fun

2010-10-05T23:03:00.006+09:00

Here it is, my first soccer match in Japan. After this, all I have remaining is to see a game at the Tokyo Dome and I've completed all the sports related goals I have.

Anyway, the game was between FC Tokyo and Shonan. FC Tokyo is in 16th place out of 18 teams. You might be worried about their chances in this match, but Shonan happened to be the doormat of the league. Key number there: -30 goal differential for Shonan. It's just not a very good team.

Anyway, here's some pics:

Both teams out on the pitch for the start of the match. FC Tokyo was defending the near side goal.

The fans were excited.

FC Tokyo controlled most of the play, and then finally broke through off a corner when one guy's wild header was knocked down and past the goalie. About a minute later, they added another. The game was pretty much over at that point. Shonan couldn't generate much attack... because they suck.

Our seats were in the FC Tokyo area. According to this sign, there was no cheering for Shonan from this side--you have to go to the other end of the stadium for that.

The final was 3-0. Not much of a football match, but a lot of fun anyway.

Two Links

2010-10-04T23:56:00.002+09:00

1) A Mario Brothers story which could have been written by Frank Miller.

2) People who can't park (and who therefore should be shot).

What a Wonderful Time to be Nude

2010-10-01T19:45:00.003+09:00

I've had this link for a while now, but only at this moment have I had a chance to put it up here. Apparently, this guy likes to garden in the nude. You should click on the link for one of the saddest pictures you'll ever see in your life. Why is he so upset? He's gardening nude! You'd think he'd be happy about that, overjoyed even. But no, I guess gardening in the nude is a somber past time. Sometimes I just don't understand Brits.

Anyway, here's more things you might want to try while wearing your birthday suit:

Frying something
Painting outdoors
Playing soccer
Baking
Driving
Riding as a passenger in a car (driver not nude)
Riding as a passenger in a car (driver also nude)
Swimming in a public pool
Mowing the lawn
Riding the bus and/or subway
Weather-proofing your house for winter
Changing a tire
Cracking walnuts
Grilling
Putting something on a shelf you need to use a step-ladder to reach
Packing boxes because you're moving
Laundry

There you go. The list kinda writes itself, to be honest. I was actually surprised at how many of these I've actually done nude.

Now try to get the image of nude Pat changing a tire out of your mind. He he he.

Tokyo Game Show II

2010-09-29T22:02:00.009+09:00

I forgot to mention this the other day, but the girl in the picture... no idea. Complete stranger. She noticed me taking a picture, though, and did her best to ignore it. Good job, glasses and ponytail girl. Let's all hope she finds the apartment of her dreams.

Moving on...

More from the Tokyo Game Show. Part one is here. Today is all about people who dressed up in costumes.

I believe the girl is telling Ken and Blanka here to go down the other end of the hall so they could battle 2 on 2 v. Ryu and E.Honda.

Girl in blue in the background: no idea. Which anime or video game features what appears to be a Hindu God? And is she supposed to be battling the knight of the Holy Roman Empire here in the foreground?

Nice tail. No idea who she is, though.

If you look close, you can see her wedgie. If I had been faster with the camera you would have seen her cameltoe. I thought about waiting for her turn around, but then I realized that if I did, I would have had to write the following here: "I made Adrian wait so that I could get a picture of her cameltoe." Am I maturing as I get older? Is that what that means?

Four girls. One outfit. One song. Four dances. Seriously, I think one was doing the robot and another was doing the twist and a third was looking for a waltz partner.

You might think this was a normal cafe with women dressed up ready to serve you tea. But nope, they were just serving you seats to play Monster Hunter with your friends.

That's it for weirdos. I think I have a couple more pix, which I'll put up here next week.

Useless Technology

2010-09-27T23:24:00.003+09:00

So, how do you look for an apartment?

Do you crack open the newspapers?

Do you get the free magazine that's at the exit to the supermarket?

Do you just go to a realtor?

Do you check the internet?

Well, haven't you ever wanted to check the internet at 11:00 p.m. on a Saturday, but have been out and thus far from your computer? Now, you can look for an apartment at even this random time.

Behold:
It's a big ass touch screen with a cartoon bear telling you to search away. Fantastic. Doesn't that look like a nice 1LK, by the way? I think that bear agrees.

Tokyo Game Show 2010

2010-09-23T16:22:00.007+09:00

Why you should go if you have a chance?
You know how sometimes you're in public and you gotta fart real bad, but you can't because you know it's gonna be loud and/or smelly? Well, you can blast away here cause the games are too loud to hear anything and all the nerds are getting so worked up sweat is dripping off them and their B.O. kills any other smells like some Clorox fucking Bleach.

This is a game for a guy who founded the first stock company in Japan, which he used to basically build the Japanese navy... before he got killed. You can read about Mr. Sakamoto Ryoma here, but good luck finding anything on that page which explains why he's popular enough in Japan that there's a TV and a video game about him.

I thought this was an add for some sort of cloning game until I realized those people weren't made by Madame Tussauds. Oh, and I think that's some Halo or something.

This is Marvel vs. Capcom 3, which is just about the only thing here I wanted to play. I asked the guy how long the wait was for and he gestured "20 min" at me. I asked him another question and he just gestured at the line instead of, say, opening his mouth and speaking like a real human being. At this point I wanted to punch him. I held back and turned away before taking this picture. At which point the dick finally opened his mouth to tell me "No Pictures". The girl standing to the right (out of screen) then said it in English. I responded, "Too late!" I felt like Jim Morrison after the Doors appeared on Sullivan.

The point of this video game is to pet an animal for the purpose of getting it to do tricks. It's using XBox's Kinetic system. The game is hella lame (just get a real lion cub, for crying out loud), but the technology was cool.

More later.

What Do I Do There?

2010-09-21T23:52:00.004+09:00

Let's quote from the old dictionary to find out what the hell this is:

a combined dressing table and lavatory basin

Does that enlighten you? How about this:

Origin:
1950–55

How does a word invented 60 years ago and never used since end up on the wall in Japan? What the hell is going on here? It's like someone was ready ads from the 1950s and decided, "Yeah, that's what we should call this public restroom." The word got 453,000 hits on google. That's slightly more than what you get if you search for my name (446,000).

And you know what? I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do in there. Do I wash in there or get dressed? Do I put on makeup in the room? Can I pee in there? Does anyone have any clue? Cause I sure as hell don't.

Bad News

2010-09-20T21:52:00.004+09:00

Bad news friends... my favorite restaurant in Japan, the everything is 400¥ place in Shimo Kitazawa is no more. Closed and replaced by something that doesn't even have something on the front telling you what sort of place it is, which can only mean that it's a bar. Where I'm sure the prices are more than ¥400.

This was prolly the topper to just a week of crap. You know what's strange, though? I don't even think I noticed. You ever just get so used to hearing crap all that time that when more crap, more bad news comes, you just kinda shrug and say, "All right. Didn't think that was gonna happen, but can't really say I'm surprised that it did." That ever happen?

Let me put it this way: I'm numb to bad news. I think I've heard so much that I've run out ways to respond to it in a manner befitting it's 'bad'ness. It's as if the closet in my mind where I store the stuff has run out of room, so I've taken to putting it in the one I reserve for good news, which has PLENTY of extra room. And once there... well how do you respond to bad news in the good news closet? You shrug and keep going.

A bit heavy for a restaurant closing, isn't it?

Hey Kids, It's...

2010-09-16T22:03:00.003+09:00

IRON MAN!

Here's the version by the Cardigans, which is the version I always think of when I think of Iron Man (song division).

Here's the Black Sabbath version, which I assume is known by more people than the above version... or any other version for that matter.

Here's the Metallica version, which I have no plan or interest in actually listening to.

Here's a cartoon from 1966 which must be watched for the awesome theme song.

Here's the new cartoon, which apparently is a mix of Iron Man and Shaft.

Here's a trailer for some sort of Iron Boy series (which may not be real).

Finally, back to the music division, here's the only one of these videos you should waste your time with, assuming your time is at all precious: Tesla Guitar Iron Man. I love it when science nerds have fun.

Bonus Track: Super Mario Brothers Theme with Tesla coils.

What Do You Get To Do?

2010-09-15T22:09:00.003+09:00

You ever have someone try to put words in your mouth? It sucks, doesn't it? You're there trying to say something and then someone just blurts out, "I know what you mean! I know!" And then they start on some rant that has nothing to do with anything you were talking about. So you try to drag the conversation back, but they aren't having it. They say, "No, here's what you're saying..." And you stare dumbfounded at that person and wonder just what in the hell they were doing while you were just talking for the last 30 seconds. At which point, you have to say, "No, that's not what I'm saying." What happens then? The person disagrees with you. "No, that is what you were saying!" As if they were sitting around inside your head watching the thoughts assemble themselves into an IDEA and they know better than you do.

That sucks, doesn't it?

Now imagine that with someone trying to put job satisfaction in your mouth.

"Yeah, I work as a doctor."
"Oh, that's great! You get to help people get better."
"Yeah. That and get sued."

"I just started working as a taxi driver."
"Fantastic. You help people get where they want to go."
"Sometimes. It's mostly about getting mugged, though."

"I've been a Rock Start ever since my first hit ten years ago."
"Wow! You make millions of people happy with you music."
"And hundreds pissed when they wake up the next day with my VD."

Pat's To Do List

2010-09-13T22:40:00.004+09:00

It's been two weeks. There's no real excuse for that except laziness. And weirdness. But mostly laziness. And some work.

Anyway, here's my To Do List:

Move. Again. For the third time in 7 months.
Update the blog more often than once every two weeks.
Start posting complete nonsense on here.
Go to some place down in the middle of nowhere and take a bunch of photos.
Make another cake.
Get a hair cut that doesn't make me look like an idiot.
Comb my hair before I get that damn haircut so that I don't look like such an idiot.
Try to make donuts again--but this time, not fail!
Get me one of these albinos.
Find someplace to watch new Venture Brothers, which started last night.
Speaking of which, find some genital formal wear.
Start posting more lists on here.
Answer emails that I received months ago (I'm looking at Joe on this one, amongst others).
Watch Clue again in anticipation of Family Guy making fun of it.
Watch this movie, which features the greatest montage scene ever: for boys training how to surreptitiously take upskirt photos. (This movie really is 4 hours, by the way)

I'm gonna check back on this next month and see how I'm doing.

Random Monday Thoughts

2010-08-30T19:27:00.003+09:00

There's no Bear-related post scheduled for this week. But, it is only Monday. If you have any bear-related ridiculousness, feel free to pass it along
90% humidity and baking go together like 90% humidity and a fat guy on a bicycle pedaling uphill.
Not that it matters anymore, but I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do if I lose my bike key. Aside from "Find a guy with bolt cutters", which is the best piece of advice I could find.
How does 30 Rock not win the Outstanding Comedy Series? This passed season featured a Moe Doll for crying out loud. Comedy Gold!
Sign I've been in Japan for a while now: I only know half the shows nominated for the Outstanding Comedy Series. I don't even know the network of the other three.
I need more stuff to listen to. Any suggestions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ruin some dinner... and then eat it anyway.

It Been Bearing On Me

2010-08-25T22:11:00.003+09:00

Here's a treat for everyone:

Another story featuring bears. This one is about the weed guarding bears in Canada.

Apparently, when the cops found them, they were in a jam circle playing hackey sack.
To entice the bears out the woods, the cops promised them free tickets to a Phish concert and a bag of cheese flavored Goldfish.
One of the bears was a Care Bear--he attacked a policeman with his Weed Power. The cop was fine, but he was out of work the next three days to watch Family Guy. However, he called in daily to ask, "Is that dog talking English? How come I can understand him?"
So you can catch more flies with honey, and more bears with weed.
First you get the money, then you get the women, then you get the bears.
Police arrested one bear for animal cruelty after they found it had made a bong out of a rabbit's foot.
On the bear's computer, the only two bookmarks in the browser were for domino's and the google search "How do I get bear fur out of my pot?"
Honey pot, Pot pot--Know the Difference!

Sightseeing Suggestion

2010-08-23T19:54:00.002+09:00

If you're ever in Japan, here's something for you to try: you can go to the store advertised in this billboard and try this special offer.
So what kind of experience is this? Well let's start from the right side, where it says No.1 in the circle there.

1) You enter the store and pick out a costume.
2) You try on the costume as ghosts cheer you on.
3) You take off the costume and then let the Store Clerk (that's the guy in the green) take pics of you. I'm sure this is JUST AS creepy as it sounds.
4) You sign the pic and then GIVE IT TO THE CLERK. You don't get to take it home.
5) You buy the costume at a 20% discount.

So, if you are the type who wanted a maid costume but always thought that they were just 20% above your budget, this opportunity has been MAID for you.

By the way, if you want to check out the store's website, follow the link below. But beware:

NSFW!!!!NSFW!!!!
Absolutely NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!
http://www.ms-online.co.jp/

Dumb Shit I Didn't Know

2010-08-20T19:48:00.002+09:00

Two things I wished I had know before:

When you're cooking, you should just make a whole mess of whatever it is you're eating. That way, when you don't feel like cooking two days later, you could just reheat what you cooked and eat that. Plus, the only thing you have to clean is the tupperware container you had the food in. That is, if you eat it out of the tupperware container. Seriously, why did I never realize this sooner? This is the first lesson I learned in the guest house.
If you have Firefox, you can type "about:config" into the url bar and get to see a whole mess of settings you didn't know you selected. Actually, first there's a joke about voiding your warranty, and then you have to promise that you know what you're doing, but THEN you get all the settings. Anyway, if you're bored, go to the "intl.accept_languages" and right click on it, then click 'Modify', and type in 'zh'. Then navigate to various pages to see if you can find one which actually changes for Chinese. I know google does, but that's all I've found so far. By the way, to change it back, just right click it as you did before and then click on 'Reset'.

Strange People Doing Something Strange

2010-08-18T22:06:00.002+09:00

Here's a video my friend linked to that I'm re-posting. Kinda strange. I'm not really too sure, but this appears to be a big comedy event with amateurs performing a bunch of acts. This video features Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison. There's other acts, too, if you want to check out the links on the right hand side of the page.

Here's another which features a 44 year old man in a sky blue elephant costume--and in the background a girl in a bikini wearing bunny ears.

Enjoy!

This Post May Be Jar-ring

2010-08-16T19:26:00.004+09:00

More bear shenanigans. I thought the Bear Patrol had promised to step up their bombing campaign. Anyway, here's a number of jokes making fun of a bear that nearly starved to death.

He wasn't really foraging (do bears forage?), he was playing Spaceman. Like this bear.
It was actually a new diet.
Before you make fun, remember this: Bears in glass jars shouldn't throw stones.
This should give him Paws before he goes routing through garbage again.
He smelled something interesting at the bottom of the jar, and then got a bit too Nosey.
His head wasn't stuck, he was just Tailing the jar.
He wasn't after food, he just need another of life's Bear necessities.
He tried to get out, but the jar had no escape Claws.

Most of those are pretty bad. I like the last one, though. Can you do better?

People Making and Eating Korean Food

2010-08-13T19:25:00.007+09:00

I recently moved into a guesthouse, one occupied by an old classmate. As a welcome, she decided to cook me lunch. It was Korean BBQ, but since we didn't have a grill, she just used a fry pan. Here's the scoop:

The one on the right is my former classmate. The one on the left is her Korean friend.

I actually don't know who did more cooking, my friend or her friend. I think her friend handled most of it.

As you can see, my friend had a small aversion to being photographed.

Then her friend developed the same aversion.

There you have it. Lots of pictures of people, not many pictures of the food, which was quite good. The deal was I wrapped the meat and some kimchee and some mushrooms and onions in the big leafy veggie there and then shoved the entire thing in my mouth. I tried to eat it one bite at a time and was called a pussy. It was a good day. Except for being called a pussy.

Two An In Tuesday

2010-08-10T21:41:00.002+09:00

Two bits of shocking news for everyone today:

1) Tongue piercings are bad for your teeth. Take a moment and try to process that. I know you're all shocked--I mean, a piece of metal floating around your mouth... who would have thought? In all honesty, I think I'm dumber for having been told that.

2) You can't name your kid Hitler and expect him to stay your kid. Nutbags.

Why Is My...?

2010-08-09T20:01:00.004+09:00

The other day I had to look something up on google.ca and I figured I'd phrase my search like a question. I do this sometimes and it actually works pretty well. Anyway, I started the search "Why is my..." and here are the suggestions that popped up:

poop green
computer so slow
internet so slow
period late
poop black

Are you noticing a pattern yet? Here's the rest:

computer slow
eye twitching
poop white
poop blue
internet slow

Let's evaluate:
4 people were worried about off color poop
4 people were having difficulty with computers
1 person is pregnant
1 person probably heard about their co-worker's off color poop and developed a tick.

By the way, being the curious sort, I just had to know why someone's poop would turn blue. Anyway, it turns out it blue poop may be harmless--just something you ate, like too much spinach. Which I guess means Popeye would be more surprised when his poop wasn't blue. But anyway, the number one hit has all the poop on blue poop. Oh, and please read the comments on the page. Apparently a Life-Saver like array poop is something people try to accomplish. Others climb mountains or run marathons. One person gets a green tea latte at starfucks.

Robot Penis

2010-08-06T19:52:00.001+09:00

Here's some graffiti I saw. If only this guy was parking my bike.